THE Triangle
In Cancun, Mexico, facing a crack pipe, doubts swirled in my mind about Bufo's promised enlightenment or the abyss of addiction. Watching two brave souls precede, I inhaled Toad Medicine, dissolving into a realm of love—a delicious emotional feast. A second round, however, plunged into unexpected darkness—a torrent of red-hot rage, an ancestral confrontation with my mother.
As the Medicine's magic waned, the aftermath wasn't just peace; it was the initiation into a deeper journey—the escape from The Triangle. The realization struck: the true work unfolded not in psychedelic realms but in navigating the complexities of one's psyche. Beyond the waves of the Caribbean, this blog invites you to unravel The Triangle's intricacies, explore your psyche, and discover a path to empowerment that transcends psychedelics.
What is The Triangle? I've heard it called many names: drama triangle, Oppression Trap Triangle, relationship triad, etc. In its most basic form, The Triangle is a method of relating that takes you out of your power. It is created through oppression. For purposes of this blog, oppression can be defined as the condition of opposing pressure. There are 3 primary types of oppression:
Three Types of Oppression
Suppression - Pressure that is created by something being held down. This may occur when someone or a group tells you what you can or cannot say. The direction of pressure is coming from another person.
Repression - Pressure that is created when you decide to hold something back. It's no longer someone else telling you what you can or cannot say; it's you choosing to hold back even though your gut may be telling you otherwise. The pressure direction comes from you responding to another person or group's presence.
Depression - A holding in. Lastly, we've all heard of depression. Often, this is where we land when suppression or repression goes to the next level. I've heard depression stated as anger turned inward, which might help describe this type of oppression. The pressure is, again, inside us, but instead of wanting to come out like in repression, it stays inside, pushing against us.
How might oppressive energy show up in your life? Where have you wanted to speak up but didn't? Where did you say something, and someone told you that what you said isn't important? When have you become a lesser version of yourself because you internalized the pressure from the outside world?
How did these situations make you feel? My guess is you felt helpless, angry, sad, or powerless. I can tell you now that they led you to being in The Triangle. The question is, do you know you created The Triangle?
The Triangle has 3 basic roles:
THE Triangle
Victim
Oppressed or perceives being oppressed by Villain. Believes s/he is unworthy of love and acts incapable so as to lure Victor in to save him/her. Acts without responsibility for any of the situation. Projects shame inward and outward.
Villain
Oppresses the Victim or is perceived by the Victim as oppressive. Does not seek love; instead, he/she seeks attention. Also acts without responsibility for any of the situation.
Victor (Hero)
Rescues Victim with or without invitation/consent AND oppresses the Villain. Also believes s/he is unworthy of love and instead believes s/he earns it by saving the Victim. Projects shame.
One aspect I find in my clients' share is how often they are unaware of their role in creating The Triangle. Why might one not want to be in the Triangle? As stated earlier, being in The Triangle is inherently disempowering. How so? First, being in The Triangle limits personal agency.
The Victim will adopt a mindset of learned helplessness, depend on external people, places, conditions, or things to solve their problem, and surrender control to external influences. This role doesn't try to exert it's own effort to create a way out of the Triangle; it relies on the Victor to stop the Villain.
The Villain role in The Triangle limits personal agency by fostering a reliance on manipulative tactics for control, undermining genuine communication, and hindering the development of authentic, empathetic connections with others. This approach provides short-term satisfaction but restricts the Villain's ability to foster meaningful, long-term relationships.
The Victor limits personal freedom by connecting feeling strong with helping others, which can be tiring. Trying to rescue others might unintentionally ignore their choices, making it harder to have cooperative and equally empowering relationships.
Another reason the Triangle is inherently disempowering is it creates co-dependency. Co-dependency is when our state of Being depends on another person, place, condition, or thing. For the Victim, happiness is achieved when the Victor defeats the Villain, and the Victim can live happily ever after. The Villain is happy as long as the Victim is oppressed. The Victor is happy as long as there is a Victim to be saved. All of these externalize the state of Being. This is not conducive to embodying your inner wisdom. However, with enough observation, it might help you remember your Creatorship.
Let's shift OUT OF THE TRIANGLE.
A basic principle I live by is that the outer world mirrors your inner world. When you see the same types of relationship dynamics pop up in your life over and over, it's an invitation to look inward and question what beliefs are no longer serving you. These repetitious dynamics are here to teach you something. Are you learning the lesson? Likely not if you keep noticing the same roles showing up in your life time and time again.
The first way out of the Triangle is to become aware of when you're in The Triangle. A basic breakdown may look like:
Victim: Do you see the world as out to get you, and you can't do anything about it?
Villain: Do you find yourself being the "bad guy" in everyone's story or incapable of doing good?
Victor: Do you keep seeing people who need saving?
Next, start noticing which Role you gravitate towards most often. Then, get curious about what benefits you may receive from being in that role.
Being the Victim can make people feel cared for and get attention/help from others, giving them a break from some responsibilities. It also helps them see problems as coming from outside themselves, making it feel like it's not their fault.
Being the Villain can make someone feel powerful and important because they are in control. It also might get them attention and make them feel noticed by others.
Being the Victor can make someone feel good because they help others and get attention for it. It gives them a sense of purpose and makes them feel important to those they rescue.
What if you notice you enjoy two, maybe all three of the roles? Determine any patterns to the roles that benefit from being segmented. For example, perhaps you place the Villain in romantic relationships but are a Victim in the relationship with your parents and a Victor in your friendships. This allows you to focus on one role at a time, creating less overwhelm when first shifting from unconscious to conscious regarding The Triangle
Don't judge yourself if you've received and enjoyed the benefits of any of the roles. Accept that it happened. Anytime we become aware of something, the following step is accepting that we've created it. By our very nature, we are creators. Conscious or subconsciously, you've called these situations in to teach you something. As you learn the lesson, these dynamics will fade from your life. Our inner world operates on various core beliefs, some of which are limiting. So when your outer world produces limiting situations, such as The Triangle, accept that they exist because of you. This allows us to step into a more empowered state of being.
How might each role step into an empowered state of being?
Victims move to Creator by creating solutions to the problem (aka oppression). If you're in this place, one tangible way to get a high-level view is to brainstorm as many solutions to your problem as possible. Focus these on what YOU can do, not what others need to do. This is about you being sovereign, not outsourcing your saving to a Victor. Your mantra may be, "I'll solve this." The skills you will need to develop are problem-solving, self-awareness, and boundary creation.
Villains move to challengers by creating structure. State your boundaries in response to the Victim, and stick to them. Make these expectations clear. Create choices so the Victim can co-create a solution to the problem. The Villain's mantra may be "How can we fix the problem?" The skills you will need to develop are co-creating structure with the Victim, cultivating empathy, and fostering self-reflection regarding their motivations for control and attention.
Lastly, the Victor moves to the coach by listening to the Victim and providing support only when asked. Your mantra may be "I'll guide you only when you ask." The skills the Victor will need to cultivate are recognizing limitations and creating boundaries to avoid the burden of rescues, seeing Victims as already empowered Creators not needing to be saved, and building relationships on mutual support.
Your Own Personal Deep Dive
Victim Role: Have you noticed instances in your life where you've felt helpless or portrayed yourself as a victim? What were the circumstances, and how did you respond?
Villain Role: When have you found yourself acting in a way that others may have perceived as oppressive or controlling? What motivations or emotions were behind those actions?
Villain Role: Reflect on instances where you might have unintentionally disregarded others' choices in your efforts to help. How did this impact the dynamics of the relationship?
Identifying Patterns: Are there recurring relationship dynamics in your life that resemble The Triangle roles? What patterns do you notice, and how do they manifest?
Personal Empowerment: Think about moments when you've taken charge of a challenging situation instead of adopting a victim mindset. How did this shift in perspective impact your experience?
Externalizing: How often do you find yourself externalizing your state of being, relying on external factors for happiness or resolution?
Moving Forward: Imagine stepping out of The Triangle entirely. What steps can you take to break free from limiting roles and embrace a more empowering and authentic way of relating?